To Be Silent

There's a funny thing about being part of a stigmatized group.  As you get more comfortable with who you are and what you believe, you begin to be more public about it.  Take pride in it.  Own it.  But as you get deeper into it.  As you get more involved and become part of the community, you find yourself once again speaking in hushed tones and taking care with your words.

When I first came to Paganism, I spoke about it to a handful of friends, but that was it.  That was it because being found out had repercussions.  Serious repercussions.  And so I kept silent.  And I learned the value of my magickal name as it developed.  It was freedom.  Freedom to be who I was, who I am, without fear (or at least less of it) of that being traced back to the name on my birth certificate.  I will say, some Wiccans feel a magickal name should be used only in a sacred context.  But I was a solitary and a kid and that ship sailed long ago so I've made my peace with it.  And so it was my freedom.  My pen name, my online persona, my spiritual identity.

And slowly, through college and into adulthood I came to be more open about it.  I told more people about what I believed and I got really, really good at spotting those who would be okay knowing and who wouldn't.  The lady at the bookstore who saw me in "that section" and commented about some of "those people" being in Delafield probably couldn't handle that I was one of them.  But by early on in my adult years, I started wearing my pentacle out in public.  

And I started to show up at gatherings with other Pagans in public places.  I got to know a few, and came to find out that a few people I knew already were Pagan.  But we're all very good at being silent.  Because we have to.  And so it comes out in hints and whispers.  Little clues.  Was that a pentacle I saw?  They're friends with whom?  They're mysteriously out of town during a big Pagan festival... interesting.  And it turns out a lot of us have at least a few of these experiences where the person workin in the shop down the street or hanging out in a particular crowd, or the person we're dating (yes, seriously) happens to be Pagan.  And it's a relief when we find eachother.  It's exhausting keeping secrets, maintaining secure online groups and identities, and making sure that at the local meetup we're not talking too loud.  And finding one more safe person to talk to about it is like a breath of fresh air.

But now I know people.  And a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.  And so while I've become comfortable enough to post secure posts on Facebook about it and have a blog about it, I find in some ways I'm even more quiet than I ever was.  As my mundane world crosses over into my spiritual world more and more I have to keep those secrets.  Because I know people who are in custody battles because they share my faith.  I know of people who have lost jobs because of it.  And I know of people who have been threatened and even shot at because of it.

And so here I am, full circle.  I'm still proud to be who I am, and I don't plan on a full retreat back into the broom closet, so to speak.  But once again I have learned to be silent.